Together We Have It All

Sometimes it feels like we never left at all. As of Tennessee was all the longest dream I've ever dreamt. Until I smell my Hawaiian candles that burned every evening after dinner in our Nashville home, or a Mexican themed end cap at Walmart that makes me think of how the entire Walmart looked in "little Mexico", or I hear my husbands slight accent he acquired over the past eight months. Tennessee was beautiful, lessons were learned and loved bloomed. It feels good to be home. Some aspects in our life we are overjoyed with now and others we are less than pleased with, but the good outweighs the bad by far. Our day to day routine is us being continuously on the go, and it looks as if the future holds no slowing down for us.

Working part time at my old office is going great so far. I miss my babes and no matter what I'm working on during the day they are constantly on my mind. Cody is starting his new job on Monday, he is so deserving of this position, and I know he is going to fit right in. I know this because it's a suit and tie kind of job, and no one looks sexier in a great suit than him.

Playing in Limbo

I've starting writing three different posts since we have arrived in sunny California this week. None seem to be just right to explain the 4 day journey it took to get here. We have arrived in limbo. How I hate this place and have been here too many times. Limbo is just like the tornados we passed through along the way. Every single thing gets thrown up in the air and tossed around, except for your family of course. You hold on to each other as tight as you can as you take cover and pray no one gets swept away. Slowly things fall into place. Some in the right and others in the wrong. It takes time to piece your world back together. It takes patience, which I was not born with. It's a learned skill for me that developed when Aiden was born almost 5 years ago. My tank of patience is used up on the kiddos all day, so when life tells me "wait, all good things will come in time" I want to give it a good pop in the nose. Eh, I'm learning...we all are. Our jobs weren't placed right back down in the "correct" spots. Let me say I don't mind working, and I never have. I have an awesome work ethic and love challenges, but I love my kids more. I'm terrified of going in to the office and having a nervous breakdown because I won't be wiping butts, cooking breakfast, cleaning, playing hot wheels or little people, or having my hair pulled out. What if I miss the second Olivia says a new word, Aiden does some awesome dance move, or Addalie needs a scraped knee cleaned up. I'll be giving it my all this next Monday morning and I'll be kicking some hiring butt, but my heart will be at home. Only time will tell how this is play out I suppose.

The California sun felt perfect today. There is nothing else like it. To end our sunny day we stopped at our favorite park and ran out our last little bits of energy as daddy held sleeping Liv and Ernie sat by his side.

"Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. "

Stuck in the middle

Now we are at the in between place where you physically don't have a home. Homeless but not. Every single item you own into a 20 foot diesel. Half of me wants to take everything out of that truck and put it back in our house that has been perfectly cleaned and prepared for someone new. The other half of me can't wait to stick my toes in the sand and hug every single person I have missed so much. Stuck in the middle of these feelings that really have no impact now. Our decisions have been made and for now we are Kansas city bound. Goodbye Nashville, it's not you it's me.

On the Road Again

     We are moving back to California. We are all or nothing people. We waited and waited till all the right cards were in our hands. The job, the timing, the house, and the list could go on and on. All signs pointed to yes this time and we are taking it. Im surprised we have lasted this long here. No one will ever fully feel the pain, loneliness, and confusion I journeyed living here, but Cody. He saw it first hand, lived it with me, and we carried each other through it all. To be back with our family again and be in a familiar scenery does not mean our life will be magically perfect once again. It means we will have our support system back and be able to spend time with and give to the people who have loved us even more from over 2,200 miles away. It means we will be painting our white picket fence, that has been torn down and rebuilt, all sorts of fancy colors. Bring on the bright yellow, and throw some teal at me. We are ready. Ready to love, grow, and be happy no matter where we are.
     I love Tennessee. It's beautiful, filled with culture, and it's greenery radiates. I would be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss it here, but I know we will be back. There was very few people who showed us the kindness and support here I was expecting. I always expect the most though. I expect out of people what I would give to them, and that's okay, but not realistic. Support here came from some of the most unexpected places. 

     On a lighter note...my Mom will be here on Saturday! I am so excited! The kids have NO idea. We plan to just take them to the airport to "look at the airplanes, and walk around" then just see if they can spot Nana as we wonder. This is a very hard thing for me to keep from them. I tell them literally everything, I like to keep them clued in. I will not tell them...I will not tell them. On the 13th everything will be loaded and ready to roll. Once again we will be driving cross country with 3 kids, 2 dogs, and a cat. This time we will be be adding a UHaul truck and thankfully an awesome Nana. Wish us luck! I will be posting tons of photos, posts, and videos along the way to keep you with us. 

Brick by Brick

It's Friday afternoon, though it feel like a Saturday due the fact that Cody got off at noon, and i'm passing time waiting for Miss Addalie to fall asleep. A late nap is better than no nap at all for that princess. Without a nap by  6pm she done for. Not just crabby, or sleepy, but literally can not keep her eyes open lost in a daze tired. I just finished reading the first chapter of Bloom by Kelle Hampton, and I can't wait to read the whole book. There is no doubt about it that it's going to be one of those that I stay up until 4 in the morning finishing till the very last word is read. I would love to write my memoir soon. I need a place to keep all my memories, positive and negative, where I can come back to and share. Share the way if felt becoming a mom at 17, going from 21 to 31 in a years time, and everything in between. I am just not sure where to start. I know one day it will just come to me, and everything will flow out like it happened yesterday. Until that day comes i'm just livin'. Livin' in Tennessee that is. I have had moving boxes sitting in my entry way for over 3 days now. All this time I have wanted to start packing, and I feel like I have no clue where to start. We have moved a few times over the past 5 years, but there is nothing like driving cross country with 3 kids, 2 dogs, a cat, and every single object you own. It's nerve wrecking and exciting to say the very least. Planning, packing, driving over 2,200, none of that gives me anxiety. That's a breeze. It's what comes next that makes my tummy turn. It's finding a new house, new everything, and settling in to a new life. It's finding that "homey" feeling. 

Moving here has taken me down a road I never knew existed, and i'm sure it's not the last one of the sort I will travel down. "Never be afraid to fall apart because it is an opportunity to rebuild yourself the way you wish you had been all along." I came across this on Pinterest the other day, and nothing has ever made more sense to me. It stopped me like nothing ever has. Moving here was meant to be. I was suppose to fall apart because I never let myself  before. I have been a "tough girl" my entire teenage and adult life. I have always accepted, turned it into a positive, and carried on. I was suppose to rebuild and become the person that I wanted to be.  I am finally whole again. I am not the me I was searching for over months of falling into a deep dark hole. I am a new me. The me I wish I had been all along. Happy Birthday to Me.

At Last...

       Our laptop has been down for quite some time now. As a result of that I have been writing blog posts and doing everything else on my iPhone. It is in fact a little more time comsuming to get anything productive done on there for me, there is a lot of distraction on that little white device, and I was not able to format and place my photos correctly. We got our laptop issues solved over the weekend so this is a huge YAY for me! Better blogposts, and photos here we come. Ill start by sharing part of our wonderful and wet weekend with you.
     Saturday morning Addalie and I woke up (she's always the first up with me, it's our special little time in the morning while the rest of the family is still sleeping) and created some yummy leperchaun pancakes! We woke the rest of the Vaughns up with some St. Patrick's Day fun. 

I forgot till that morning that I wanted to make the girls and I some quick headbands to sport our green for the day. I made these while we let Miss Livi take her morning nap. 

We started our afternoon adventures off with Dinotrek, a mini Jurassic Park within the Nashville Zoo. Aiden absolutely loved it! Addalie, needless to say, was scared shitless. Daddy carried her the whole way through, and she even roared back at the baby dinos from a far of course. Haha Once the rain came down a little harder and the lightening and thunder started up we decided to head back to the car. 

Daddy trying to shelter Olivia from the rain, she was not pleased about the view obstruction. 

"Mommy, that one is just really tired." Aiden. 

 We continued our afternoon out with a trip to the mall, and exchanged a pair of jeans at AE for a smaller size! Go Mommy! This made me smile that a whole size smaller fit me so much better. I laughed at the fact that we stopped at Cinnabon on the way out. They just smelled so amazing, and Cody and I have been doing great with eating and exercise. We deserved it.   

Back to where we started from...

California! I'm excited, to say the least, for so much. I can barely contain how happy I am that we will be home once again. We could pick up and leave now if we wanted to, but we are carefully planning, waiting, and enjoying our last weeks here in Tennessee. I've written up my top ten things I'll be doing once we reach our final destination.
1. Bear hugs... all around. We have gone from seeing our parents and in-laws from at the least 4 days a week to well, ZERO. Pretty drastic, but everything is these days. There is nothing better than being around people who love you and actually want to see you.
2. Carolina's? YES. It's been over 6 months since I've have good Mexican. Sad, I know.
3. The Beach. Stinson to be exact. My toes will be in the water and ass in the sand...you know the rest. Followed by Breakers Cafe', please.
4. Our favorite library & playground for the kiddos! I can not wait to be able to do our afternoon trips to all the ordinary places we have missed so much that make our days so special.
5. I'm gonna drive around, going no where really, but know where i'm going. I'll be able to drive WITHOUT using Mapquest! Haha what a dream!
6. Mama's cooking! I'll be cooking for everyone. You all better be hungry because I have some awesome new recipes!
7. Say cheese! I'll be snapping photos like you have never seen before, and that's saying something. We need updated pics of the grandparents with the kiddos ASAP.
8. Grandmas...get ready to play. Mommy and Daddy NEED a date night. It's been 6 months since we have been out of the house without our precious kiddos. This is why I laugh at those who complain they never get a "break". That is a whole other post though, so I will not get started on that. Hahaha.
9. Celebrate Stephanie. Friday, March 30th we are going to celebrate her Birthday like she would have! Get the Coronas ready guys!
10. Just live. Be happy. Have no regrets. We finally know where we are suppose to be.

Clicking Heels

Most of my head is constantly filled with thoughts like "Who the hell dragged me here?", "Someone please pinch me...I'm living in a nightmare that I'll never escape." and "There's no place like home, there's no place like home...". I think once I even looked down at my feet while doing dishes and was actually clicking my heels together. Haha.
I've gotten great at hiding those thoughts throughout the day under dirty diapers, smelly laundry, and endless hours of playing little people and hot wheels.
I've done this mentally, many many times, but I think it's time to lay it all out. Positive thinking has always worked. Maybe I'm just not thinking hard enough this time?
We will be by our real family. The family that loves us and would do anything to spend time with us.
We will be back visiting the beach where are heads are clear and time slows down.
We will have our awesome parks to walk to with a clean, safe, and friendly environment.
We will have fun things to do and people to see.
We will feel at home.
We will feel loved.

California here we come, right back where we started from.

Snow Dusted Roof Tops

I spent the first month here in denial of how much I actually wanted to like Nashville. The second month was spent trying to figure out a temporary fix to our shooken up world. The third was spent piecing it all back together. The forth was spent being more content and whole feeling in what seemed like a lifetime, and the fith is being spent planning our detailed trip back to a pin point. Now, waking up to these snow dusted roof tops makes me think I might actually miss this place that I wanted nothing more in the world to leave. I guess I never really needed to leave here...I needed to leave that ugly place in my head where I was isolated and not much made sense. Now that I've left I'll fight, scream, and kick if the world tries to draw me back. As for Tennessee...I'll be back, for a visit. :)